I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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