When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
