Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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