I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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