where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize