Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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