I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
