i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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