I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
