sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
