I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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