nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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