Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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