Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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