Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
