Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i was born a porn star she said
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
