I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
