I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
