I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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