Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
