dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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