Small penises have feelings too.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
