Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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