So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
