You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
