I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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