do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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