she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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