I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
