even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
