Got a toothbrush?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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