Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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