If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
