Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
