Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
