thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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