She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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