Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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