I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
