i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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