y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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