And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
