I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
