I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think I died a long time ago.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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