i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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