You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
