its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I came so hard my ears popped.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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