Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
