Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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