He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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